hello,misery old friend
this post is going to suck because i’m just gonna write it on the fly. it’s 3:50 in the fucking morning, i haven’t eaten today, and i am not tired…thanks adderall.
today might have been the shittiest day of my life.
me and dude have been having all kinds of issues this week and they all came to a head today when we met for lunch to talk about everything, try and find some closure etc etc….
it was miserable. let’s just say it called for liquor in the afternoon and being rude to the server…something i never even do since i am one. she wouldn’t go the fuck away and i kept snapping at her that WE’RE FINE.
i never cried in a restaurant before. i never cried so much over a guy i didn’t formally “date” before. i don’t know why i just feel like i am losing such a big chunk of me…it is absolutely horrible.
maybe i have been fortunate to never have been this sad over a guy before?
i just wish so much was different. which is the most lost cause of all. you can’t change how things are. “it is what it is”…but that doesn’t stop me from wish,wish,wishing i was at a different point in my life and ready for a relationship. then we could be together. and i resent “her” so much for being done college and available for that kind of commitment. all she has to do is go to work and be a grown up. she’s not a college student who lives 50/50 at two different places and has to work all weekend to pay bills.
ughhhhh!!! venting at this point. this is the worst blog ever.
i am so goddamn sad. sad that this person i care about SO much and it just can’t work out right now, and that i have to accept it.
lunch was painful…i couldn’t stop the tears. and i’m not one for dramatics. it was completely uncontrollable. as we discussed all the things that have been going on lately and where we stand, i had this sadness wash over me and i felt like this was the most painful emotion i have ever felt–like a child who just found out he didn’t make a sports team or something..just utter disappointment and confused about where to go next.. i feel so empty and void now that i don’t have him texting and calling all the time.
i so have a hole in my soul that i fill with people. attention,care and concern, i need to constantly talk to someone. i always need someone to tell how i’m feeling or what i’m doing. it’s pathetic. i think i have gone crazy recently. i don’t know what’s the matter with me. i crave attention and a permanent state of happiness because i just do not like to be down. it sucks. i hate it.
i don’t even feel like psychoanalyzing myself anymore. i’m sick and tired of being sick and tired… i hurt smuch inside with the need to be loved and cared for yet when i have that in front of me i refuse it. what is my deal? who knows. i’m a mess.
well 4 a.m. is rearing its ugly head and i must try and sleep.
1 more thing: i have been having the weirdest thing ever lately as i fall asleep. right as i fall into sleep, i immediately have a really, really good dream. where everything i stress over is perfect…everyone says what i want them to say and i feel that impossible feeling–”happy”. then, just as its getting good, i jump and wake up, and then can’t fall asleep for another 10-15 minutes, wishing back the dream but it never comes.
i have been rejecting God. i think this is the result. also, smoking a shitload of cigarettes lately and honestly it’s disgusting. i need to quit like i have done before….but sometimes stress makes it impossibly to better yourself of the things you need to improve upon.
i’m an unhappy girl.i hope i’m out of this funk soon….
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