Girls are Stupid>I am a girl>I am stupid
Question of my lifetime: Why do we always want what we can’t have?
What is the lure of the unattainable? Why is something more valuable when unavailable?
More importantly, why am I unhappy when I got exactly what I wanted?
Some background. It started out in a near-perfect way: mutual crush, mutual discovering we were both into each other, fabulous first date. Then came the texts, the calls, the inside jokes, and feelings manifested into caring and a relationship started to loom in the distance.
“I like you a lot,” I said, “but can we please take things slow, enjoy the having fun and having someone part, but let’s not jump into commitment and the big ‘L’ word, I’m not looking for that.”
Was that so difficult? Would it have been that hard for him to say that’s fine and keep things simple(r)? Why did he have to fall for me so hard? Why is this wonderful connection I’ve found tied up in his strings of wanting long-term commitment, possibly marriage? I’m 21 years old!! It is unfair to me that we were on such opposite levels; such a great reportoire we had – couldn’t that have just stayed at the low-key stage? There was no need to complicate it.
Why did I have to get so used to the attention of love with the obligation of like? I got so comfortable around him I felt like I had known him forever. Great, fun dinners are a wonderful little novelty amidst a busy and stressful life. Full-time texts to make me smile throughout the day are one of my favorite things in the world. To see there’s a text from someone who cares about how my day is going just puts a smile on my face.
Everything was there! I had never laughed so hard over the dumbest things ever with someone like that before. It was, plain and simple, just a GOOD feeling.
And then it became way too much. As a 21-year-old not looking to settle down, I somehow managed to become attached to the constant communication and soothing knowledge that I had someone- without actually wanting to make a commitment to him. He fell flat in love with me.
I wish I could say I recognized his care and attraction to me and got over my fear of commitment. But no, I was raised to be an independent woman and right now on that track is college (followed my internship-career…etc.). Something in my blood repels anything or anyone that wants to take me down that path to the altar right now. So I turned him down.
First, gently and not forcefully. And then he came back. And it was a little different…the balance of power was definitely in my hand. But still when you care about someone and really enjoy their company, it’s hard to send them away if you’re okay with their status in your life. However, he was definitely looking for more from me so I had to tell him firmly this time that I need him to go away. And he did.
And so he got the point and left me alone. Now he’s gone. And I was okay with it until I find out about Girl. I know her, she’s older, more mature, more…ready to settle down. She’s like Me + 4 years. Which is like perfect for him. Now their little “thing” is blossoming and I rewind a few months to how good it was at first. And this feeling that I have is just…confusion. I DID NOT want to be with him whatsoever when I had him. Hell I don’t want to be with him now. But the thought of another girl being with him makes me think that I want to be with him. I keep trying to tell myself to satisfy myself with knowing that I could jump right back into his life and kick her out if I really wanted to.
I don’t understand the thoughts going through my head. It’s late, we would usually be on the phone for hours at this point. Like a drug, I couldn’t get enough but I didn’t want to be on it forever so I refused to commit to it. I just texted him asking if he could talk, because he is so good at listening and I would really like to talk to him right now and have his assuage my anxiety and make everything okay but…..he’s with her, and I’m here alone. This is what I wanted.
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