at least i’m employed

that annoying ass alarm sounds, and after several smacks on the snooze button, i finally get out of bed. harsh sunlight reflects off white snow on the ground; 2:00 p.m. cold bare feet pad across white carpet to the kitchen. fresh pot of coffee starts muttering, nicotine screams to be let in my lungs.

out the door – always a perpetual 5 minutes behind- to an iced-down, snow-piled car. naturally i didn’t park on the opposite side of the parking lot like usual last night or the sun would have already melted it.

10 minutes later now i’m pushing fashionably late. naturally charles st. is closed this afternoon because Obama’s in town. skip down a couple exits to sit on the interstate which now resembles a parking lot- offically late for work.

nicotine the whole drive, chap stick, gum, lip gloss, hair check, have everything, work……i must find a new gig.

John

I wonder if you’d like 2009.

I wonder what you’d be like, would 

Your style change? Your smile change?

No, you’d still be you. Making me

Laugh, Smile, Feel loved.

You’d throw me over your shoulder  and 

We’d ride into 2009. You’d like it now-

We have iphones and the carter 3 is awesome.

Remember when we used to listen to the carter 2 all the time in my car?

So tonight I was just thinking,

I wonder what my life would be like if you were here now?

But I’m a big girl now, compared to who I was when you knew me.

God, I’ve grown up alot since you’re gone.

I can’t believe 08 marked the 1 year anniv. of your death.

This time is flying; you get tucked further and farther into my past. 

I don’t want to forget. I can’t let myself forget you.

How do I keep you in my mind-If you were here right now, 

What would I say to you? I’d say every thought I’ve had about you since the day I found out.

I’d recry every tear and let you dry them. 

I wish I could be in your arms one more time, in that big leather jacket you wore. 

You always smelled the same and your eyes always shot the same electrifying glance.

You had really strong arms that were great for hugs and you picking me up and putting me over your shoulder.

You always cupped my chin when you told me you love me and kissed me.

We always raced up the stairs at your apartment, and one time you made me and your mom and sister dinner and it was amazingly good.

We sat out on your porch and shared a blanket and cigs and talked about life and the world.

If I could just get 5 minutes back!! Just to see you. 

I really wonder what you’d be like in 2009…Missing you<3

incompletee

If the product of trial and error is success, then I hope to God I get it right in 2009. Don’t get me wrong, 2008 was a pretty solid year, but there were definitely highs and lows. I did alot of growing up this past year, did a lot of new things. Instead of describing everything here, I’ve made a Best and Worst of 08: BEST of 2008: 1. Going away to Geneva last January. Moving out for the first time, I grew up alot. I made some amazing friends and got back to doing well in school. Got great grades at Geneva and then got accepted to Towson! 2. Moving to Towson; Meeting the other half of Rachel; Living the college life the right way (finally!) 3. Getting my new car! Bye Sheri–Hey Vegas! I love my new Nissan Altima so much I named it Vegas, and Julie’s car is Blackjack. They date! 4. Julie’s 21st in Vegas!!!! That was an amazing trip and I won lots of money and had an amazing time partying at the Bellagio! 5. Going to Florida for a week and seeing my Maddie for her 1st birthday! 6. Cassie coming for a week this summer and Flynn’s 21st in OC!!!! 7. Making up with my best friend Natalie/who then got engaged! And asked me to be in her wedding next May =) 8. Pasadena shows all summer!! Every weekend, Bohs and shows with Natalie. Best Songs this year–St. Augustine, Better This Way, NFS, Sweet Surrender…can I get a holla from my dena fans! 9. O’s and Natty Boh’s! Camden Yards…the O’s might suck but Os game all summer are fun! Plus this year I turned 21 and I got to drink at Pickles for the first time wooo! 10. Love. 825/J/D And the Worst… 1. 8-8 record for the Skins. Next year put Brennan in!! 2. The election. The media is guilty of unfair bias towards both candidates by putting Obama on a pedestal and distorting the McCain campaign and ruining Palin’s life. 3. Breakups….Ughhhh. I hate being sad and making people sad. 4. Ravens making the playoffs. 5.

hello,misery old friend

this post is going to suck because i’m just gonna write it on the fly. it’s 3:50 in the fucking morning, i haven’t eaten today, and i am not tired…thanks adderall. 

today might have been the shittiest day of my life.

me and dude have been having all kinds of issues this week and they all came to a head today when we met for lunch to talk about everything, try and find some closure etc etc….

it was miserable. let’s just say it called for liquor in the afternoon and being rude to the server…something i never even do since i am one. she wouldn’t go the fuck away and i kept snapping at her that WE’RE FINE. 

i never cried in a restaurant before. i never cried so much over a guy i didn’t formally “date” before. i don’t know why i just feel like i am losing such a big chunk of me…it is absolutely horrible. 

maybe i have been fortunate to never have been this sad over a guy before? 

i just wish so much was different. which is the most lost cause of all. you can’t change how things are. “it is what it is”…but that doesn’t stop me from wish,wish,wishing i was at a different point in my life and ready for a relationship. then we could be together. and i resent “her” so much for being done college and available for that kind of commitment. all she has to do is go to work and be a grown up. she’s not a college student who lives 50/50 at two different places and has to work all weekend to pay bills.

ughhhhh!!! venting at this point. this is the worst blog ever. 

i am so goddamn sad. sad that this person i care about SO much and it just can’t work out right now, and that i have to accept it.

lunch was painful…i couldn’t stop the tears. and i’m not one for dramatics. it was completely uncontrollable. as we discussed all the things that have been going on lately and where we stand, i had this sadness wash over me and i felt like this was the most painful emotion i have ever felt–like a child who just found out he didn’t make a sports team or something..just utter disappointment and confused about where to go next.. i feel so empty and void now that i don’t have him texting and calling all the time. 

i so have a hole in my soul that i fill with people. attention,care and concern, i need to constantly talk to someone. i always need someone to tell how i’m feeling or what i’m doing. it’s pathetic. i think i have gone crazy recently. i don’t know what’s the matter with me. i crave attention and a  permanent state of happiness because i just do not like to be down. it sucks. i hate it.

i don’t even feel like psychoanalyzing myself anymore. i’m sick and tired of being sick and tired… i hurt smuch inside with the need to be loved and cared for yet when  i have that in front of me i refuse it. what is my deal? who knows. i’m a mess.

well 4 a.m. is rearing its ugly head and i must try and sleep.

1 more thing: i have been having the weirdest thing ever lately as i fall asleep. right as i fall into sleep, i immediately have a really, really good dream. where everything i stress over is perfect…everyone says what i want them to say and i feel that impossible feeling–”happy”. then, just as its getting good, i jump and wake up, and then can’t fall asleep for another 10-15 minutes, wishing back the dream but it never comes. 

i have been rejecting God. i think this is the result. also, smoking a shitload of cigarettes lately and honestly it’s disgusting. i need to quit like i have done before….but sometimes stress makes it impossibly to better yourself of the things you need to improve upon. 

i’m an unhappy girl.i hope  i’m out of this funk soon….

always with me.

Keep Hope Alive

Look around; tragedy.

Sadness, Hunger, Apathy….

Empty dreams, life cut short

Never enough tears to mourn

You don’t have to; it’s been done

Pain is gone through my God’s love

Girls are Stupid>I am a girl>I am stupid

Question of my lifetime: Why do we always want what we can’t have?

What is the lure of the unattainable? Why is something more valuable when unavailable?

More importantly, why am I unhappy when I got exactly what I wanted?

Some background. It started out in a near-perfect way: mutual crush, mutual discovering we were both into each other, fabulous first date. Then came the texts, the calls, the inside jokes, and feelings manifested into caring and a relationship started to loom in the distance. 

“I like you a lot,” I said, “but can we please take things slow, enjoy the having fun and having someone part, but let’s not jump into commitment and the big ‘L’ word, I’m not looking for that.” 

Was that so difficult? Would it have been that hard for him to say that’s fine and keep things simple(r)? Why did he have to fall for me so hard? Why is this wonderful connection I’ve found tied up in his strings of wanting long-term commitment, possibly marriage? I’m 21 years old!! It is unfair  to me that we were on such opposite levels; such a great reportoire we had – couldn’t that have just stayed at the low-key stage? There was no need to complicate it.

Why did I have to get so used to the attention of love with the obligation of like? I got so comfortable around him I felt like I had known him forever.  Great, fun dinners are a wonderful little novelty amidst a busy and stressful life. Full-time texts to make me smile throughout the day are one of my favorite things in the world. To see there’s a text from someone who cares about how my day is going just puts a smile on my face.

Everything was there! I had never laughed so hard over the dumbest things ever with someone like that before.  It was, plain and simple, just a GOOD feeling. 

And then it became way too much. As a 21-year-old not looking to settle down, I somehow managed to become attached to the constant communication and soothing knowledge that I had someone- without actually wanting to make a commitment to him. He fell flat in love with me.

I wish I could say I recognized his care and attraction to me and got over my fear of commitment. But no, I was raised to be an independent woman and right now on that track is college (followed my internship-career…etc.).  Something in my blood repels anything or anyone that wants to take me down that path to the altar right now. So I turned him down. 

First, gently and not forcefully. And then he came back. And it was a little different…the balance of power was definitely in my hand. But still when you care about someone and really enjoy their company, it’s hard to send them away if you’re okay with their status in your life. However, he was definitely looking for more from me so I had to tell him firmly this time that I need him to go away. And he did.

And so he got the point and left me alone. Now he’s gone. And I was okay with it until I find out about Girl. I know her, she’s older, more mature, more…ready to settle down. She’s like Me + 4 years. Which is like perfect for him. Now their little “thing” is blossoming and I rewind a few months to how good it was at first.  And this feeling that I have is just…confusion. I DID NOT want to be with him whatsoever when I had him. Hell I don’t want to be with him now. But the thought of another girl being with him makes me think that I want to be with him. I keep trying to tell myself to satisfy myself with knowing that I could jump right back into his life and kick her out if I really wanted to. 

I don’t understand the thoughts going through my head. It’s late, we would usually be on the phone for hours at this point. Like a drug, I couldn’t get enough but I didn’t want to be on it forever so I refused to commit to it. I just texted him asking if he could talk, because he is so good at listening and I would really like to talk to him right now and have his assuage my anxiety and make everything okay but…..he’s with her, and I’m here alone. This is what I wanted.

love, your daughter.

this is a letter from the rachel i am today. i would like to thank you for everything you have done to make me the person i am today.

as i sit here in my apartment, i look around my room and see little artifacts of all you have given to me. photos and memories, trinkets from various vacations, books on my shelf….these items all remind me of the loving environment i was brought up in and carry with me now that i am on my own.

who i am today has deeply instilled values, from a desire for everyone to get along without conflict and our faith which you have set an example in. who i am is a respectful, loving, enlightened person thanks to years of christian school and a christian home. i truly thank you for what you have given to me and for allowing me to evolve into my own person.

as i get older i start to do things on my own without your opinion as parents affecting many decisions. but because of the way i have been raised i feel confident that life’s situations will not be too overbearing for me. you have raised me to be sensible and care about people, because you set examples of love and how to be a good human being. these are values that i will always carry with me. 

mom, you have shown me how to love without self-interest and to work hard. you have taught me compassion and hospitality and to enjoy each moment in life. i love how we can pick up anywhere and enjoy each others company. you are truly God’s gift to me.

dad, you have taught me the basics of all life’s important stuff. you have always been there with great advice and wisdom throughout every situation. i cannot express my appreciation for having such a great father and friend.

Wishing my wonderful parents a Merry Christmas!

restaurant industry.

for anyone reading who has ever waited tables (or anyone reading, period), you are probably familiar with the “norms” of going out to eat. however, some people just do not seem to understand that certain things are unacceptable and behave like idiots when they are in a restaurant. it’s rude, naive and dumb of you to go out to eat and not at the very least be decent to your server. so, i have compiled a list of acceptable and appropriate actions that should occur when dining out.

1. During “The Greet”…This is my time to introduce myself, say hello, point out specials and set the tone for the atmosphere of the dinner. If I walk up to your table and I can only get as far as “Hi guys, how are you doing today, my name’s-” and you immediately interrupt and say “I’ll take a Coke,” before I even can say my name, I immediately know you’re going to be THAT kind of table. So for the first 60 seconds, can you just shut up and listen? I’ll get your soda, and we have Pepsi, is that ok? Oh it’s not? Well it’s the same fucking thing. So get over it. Anyways..

2. Kids drinks. As parents, it is your responsibility to make sure that I don’t have to get your kid 10 refills during a 30 minute period. Your kid shouldn’t even be drinking soda anyways…what kind of parent are you? And don’t think for a second that I feel like making 9 chocolate milks. Just order water, or plain milk, or something that the kid will drink just the same and make sure they don’t order 10 of them. Kids drinks are free, and a waste of time for me to get your kid 15 drinks when I could be providing service of things that were actually important to both you and my other tables. 

3. Eye contact/answering questions. Seriously, what’s up with the people who can’t look their server in the goddamn eye? Are you a freak? Yes. If I walk up to you and say hey guys, how is everything tasting? Couldn’t you just look up for two seconds and just answer the question? Servers know that if the table doesn’t acknowledge you, you aren’t going to be a good tipper. It’s just how it goes.

4. If the server is required for some reason to go above and beyond “standard” service- birthday sundae/birthday song, lots of kids, getting 6 cups of coffee (plus refills), helping you decide on an entree where you take 10 minutes to make up your mind when I obviously have other tables- you should really tip accordingly. Servers don’t mind helping you out and making your experience a good one…So would it really kill you to show your appreciation in the one way we understand- money!

5. Complaining to your server about your food like they cooked it themselves. OK, it’s a restaurant.A team of people devoted to kissing your ass and getting you whatever the hell you want. You should understand that the person who seats you isn’t responsible for the person who waits on you, who in turn isn’t responsible for the person who cleaned your table and most notably…I DIDN’T MAKE YOUR FOOD. So if something is wrong with it, tell me, and I will get it fixed. But when you talk to me, the server, like I’m the one who personally fucked up your steak or made your food not hot, you are a douche bag and you’re going to get your food spit in. 

6. You don’t need a soda AND a glass of water with lemon.

7. Don’t ask stupid questions like “Is the pulled pork shredded or chopped?” It’s a pulled pork sandwich, it’s how it always is, shut up. “Is the coleslaw sweet?” It’s coleslaw, it’s disgusting and has a nasty texture and I don’t know if my definition of sweet is the same as yours. Figure it out. 

8. NO, we do NOT have strawberry lemonade.

9. Standard tipping:

15% for service that was decent, but not outstanding. Your plates weren’t cleared and you had to ask for refills, but the server was nice, she took care of you but not above and beyond.

18% for service that was good. Your server was knowledgable and friendly, brought refills once or twice, and you felt that they were doing everything they needed to be doing. however, you weren’t exactly “impressed”

20% for great service. You had refills before you even noticed you needed one, your server was upbeat, made suggestions about the menu, was constantly on the floor walking by, but not pestering, Your server offered dessert, manicured the table, cleared away all plates, trash and napkins and made a genuine personal connection. You take note of their name so next time you can have the same server because they did everything they were supposed to.

Is it that hard to do???????? Working in “the biz” for almost two years I still just don’t understand how some people treat their server like total shit. We make $3 an hour//we RELY on your tips as part of our job. Hopefully this reaches someone and makes a difference……

independence

listen–i don’t mean to sound like a bitch. but.

 

i don’t need you.

i won’t need your money.

i can’t forsee needing your support.

and i won’t change my mind.

i don’t need a man, who:

by all measures–misses my standards, can’t  compete with the competition, won’t try to go above and beyond what i’m looking for.

 

and no, i’m not 

sorry.

Wish List

Christmas is still far off, but I keep drooling over these…

I could hook up my tiny 13″ macbook display to this wide beauty.

 

Since Winter is Coming…

I’m loving the Suburb Crochet Boot by Ugg…Warm and looking cuter than last year’s spaceship-boot style.

 

For these rainy weekends…

Because every girl deserves the Coach Tattersol Umbrella! It even folds into a cute carry-with-you, avoiding that awkward “Where can I put this soaking wet Wal-Mart umbrella?” moment.

 

Because my phone is a piece of crap!!!! [I'm just kidding enV, don't die on me yet!]

I desperately need email capability on the go! And it totally wouldn’t hurt to facebook on the go….Plus this phone just looks like class. 

 

We need a new couch. (I won’t post photos of my current floral beauty, cat-scratched and slipcover-ridden.)

I’m loving Ikea’s black wrap around….

 

Just a few thing that could make a girl very happy…. =)